The Minutes to Come

It's officially 2010 and I am officially relieved. 2009 wasn't my best year, nor was it my finest moment. Although I had a lot of good things in my life last year, like our house, good times with friends, a brand-new nephew, travel, great work opportunities, I feel like I was living in anxiety quicksand for most of it. I conquered a lot of anxiety behaviors this year and gained a lot of really great coping skills, but the struggle to get to today was very difficult. It's exhausting to constantly do cognitive thinking, to reframe every thought you have, to question if your feelings are anxiety-driven or just how you feel, and then to chose the best way to respond when you really want to scream, cry, or hit something. E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G. Couple that with living in an OCD nightmare of boxes, construction, and instability and we had a recipe for me, well, flipping the fuck out. I damaged my marriage, my financial future, my career, my health... I bought massive amounts of crap to feel better, I drank alcohol to distract myself, I emotionally ate to the point that I gained thirty pounds, I checked out at work, and, worst of all, I failed to support my partner while he worked soooooo hard to make our house beautiful...

But, with a lot of support from my amazing husband, my family, my friends, my mental health practitioners, and last, but not least, from myself, I finally feel like I'm ready to live, and enjoy, the life that I want, that I worked for, even as I was drowning. More importantly, I'm ready to spend 2010 fixing my cosmic balance sheet. I took a lot in 2009, now I want to give.

Instead of making general and vague promises to "give back," I've decided to do something a bit different. I've added up all of the money that I spent in 2009 on emotional purchases and for every dollar I'm going to spend one minute doing something good for the people my spending most affected: the boy, myself, and those in my community who went without while I went with too much. In the spirit of openness, I'm going to share exactly how many minutes this actually is: 10,000. That's right, I spent 10,000 dollars on clothes, books, dvds, on crap, and now I'm going to spend 3,333 minutes helping the boy paint the trim or build the headboard or work on his art or watching movies he wants to watch or playing frisbee; 3,333 minutes eating well or exercising or taking advantage of opportunities at work or learning a new skill; and 3,333 minutes volunteering at homeless shelters or urban gardens or tutoring or job training.

It's going to be hard, not because 3,333 minutes is a lot--it's only about 55 hours--but because I'm not magically "cured" of my mental illness. I'm not suddenly anxiety free, able to handle whatever, whenever. I'm still going to have squidgy days where I don't quite know what to do and don't know how to fix what I'm feeling and make an unhealthy choice. But with everything I've learned and with all the amazing people in my life who were there for me and loved me despite me being soooooooo weird sometimes, I can do this. I know I can, because I already spent 2009 doing it, and I came out on the other side.

I'm ready, world. I'm ready.

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Review of a Lifetime

Here is the beginning of my post. And here is the rest of it.

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Dances with Blue Aliens

Just in case anyone was curious (and since this is the MOVIE THAT WILL CHANGE ALL MOVIES), I would like to say that I have very mixed feelings about Avatar. [SPOILER WARNING] While I thought it was beautiful and "entertaining," I also thought its paradigm was horribly colonialist and, one could argue based on the rampant stereotypes of our indigenous persons, racist--seriously, horse-shaped animals for the "natives" to ride? feathers? "Mohawk" style hair? nose-bones?

::head bangs on desk::

And, although my giant sucker heart got tugged in all the right spots (and perhaps, admittedly, a bit weepy at one point), this is partly due to the very, very cliched use of the same ole' archetypes we've seen before: troubled hero, wise spiritual mother, beautiful young enchantress, evil greedy white dude. I'm practically programmed to respond to these sorts of stories. But, as engrossed as I was, I couldn't help it, my brain kept having internal "eye roll" moments throughout the film at some of the plot and characterizations. Particularly bothersome to me was that the colonialist dude goes in and makes the indigenous persons better than they were before. Sure he empathizes with them and helps us (the audience) see the error of our (past and future) ways, but why couldn't the Na'vi do it for themselves? And why couldn't we see a film from their eyes, for once?


io9 actually had great write-up about this type of film last week. Here's an excerpt:

These are movies about white guilt. Our main white characters realize that they are complicit in a system which is destroying aliens, AKA people of color - their cultures, their habitats, and their populations. The whites realize this when they begin to assimilate into the "alien" cultures and see things from a new perspective. To purge their overwhelming sense of guilt, they switch sides, become "race traitors," and fight against their old comrades. But then they go beyond assimilation and become leaders of the people they once oppressed. This is the essence of the white guilt fantasy, laid bare. It's not just a wish to be absolved of the crimes whites have committed against people of color; it's not just a wish to join the side of moral justice in battle. It's a wish to lead people of color from the inside rather than from the (oppressive, white) outside.

Think of it this way. Avatar is a fantasy about ceasing to be white, giving up the old human meatsack to join the blue people, but never losing white privilege. Jake never really knows what it's like to be a Na'vi because he always has the option to switch back into human mode. Interestingly, Wikus in District 9 learns a very different lesson. He's becoming alien and he can't go back. He has no other choice but to live in the slums and eat catfood. And guess what? He really hates it. He helps his alien buddy to escape Earth solely because he's hoping the guy will come back in a few years with a "cure" for his alienness. When whites fantasize about becoming other races, it's only fun if they can blithely ignore the fundamental experience of being an oppressed racial group. Which is that you are oppressed, and nobody will let you be a leader of anything.

Sure, Avatar goes a little bit beyond the basic colonizing story. We are told in no uncertain terms that it's wrong to colonize the lands of native people. Our hero chooses to join the Na'vi rather than abide the racist culture of his own people. But it is nevertheless a story that revisits the same old tropes of colonization. Whites still get to be leaders of the natives - just in a kinder, gentler way than they would have in an old Flash Gordon flick or in Edgar Rice Burroughs' Mars novels.

I'm not trying to be a Negative Nellie or ubercritical--there are, in fact, lots of books, tv, and film that I enjoy despite my intellectual reactions to them, like Twilight (anti-feminist, chastity-glorifying, domestic violence model), Star Wars(white, male, sexist), or, honestly, pick nearly any romantic comedy, I'll watch it, because, despite being bothered by the sexist gender roles and punchlines, my heart goes pitter-patter. What can you do? Sometimes you just have to take things for what they are, admit what kind of societal rules are in play, and turn your brain off for a tiny second.

However, I do think there's a danger with never turning your brain back on, especially with films like Avatar, where people go and think they've seen an amazingly different story about how "we should all get along," when in fact, it's another movie about white, male privilege. Just because the hero is right in saying we shouldn't destroy the cultures of other peoples doesn't mean that he has to be the only one we were willing to listen to or, worse, the only one who can "save" them.

In sum, I thought Avatar (or as I'm calling it now, Dances with Blue Aliens) was a beautiful film, with a deeply detailed landscape just different enough for people to forget the movie is a story we've actually seen before. In my opinion, it's not a "game-changer," but rather another colonialist trope with exciting, tasty, and sometimes emotionally moving, eye candy. Did I "enjoy" it? Yes! My eyes were glued to the screen for two hours. But, like real candy, after I've eaten it, I'm not so certain it sits well in my belly.

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::face palm::

"Well, see, I got 15 emails that said it was true, which makes it more true than just one email saying it isn't true, you know?"

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Identity Crisis Part II

So... I just wasn't happy with snarky_kittens. What did I do? I obsessed and brainstormed and everything I wanted was taken (elizabethbitch, for example, or kittenface). I don't want something with numbers at the end. I want to be THE FIRST. THE ONLY. THE SELF ABSORBED. So, it came to me in a flash, here I am being squidgy (my word for anxious or weird or ocd-ing), so squidgykitty.

The end.

For now.

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Identity Crisis

So... I just spent the last hour changing my online handle.  That was WAY more complicated than it should be.  I've been motorhomejesus for about three years now and really want something more tied to this here lil' blog, you know, in case I decided to do something bigger with it.  Like post regularly.  Also, I don't want anyone to confuse me for being a Jesus-fan OR of being disrespectful of someone's faith (If you're scratching your head, it's like they say, hate the sin not the sinner, right?! I dislike your "Christian" behavior sometimes, not your faith.) 

Obviously,  I really wanted to make all of my main accounts kittenswithmittens, but that's been taken.  Stupid common cute moniker!  So, I finally, after much hand-wringing and changing my mind, decided on snarky_kittens.  I think it captures the kitten part (see how KITTEN is in the name??? I know, I'm soooo smart at branding!) and also my general intent to deconstruct social commentary and cultural products.  In other words, bitch.

Should I go ahead and buy up the website names too?  Blerg.

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Midweek Feminist Brainfood

Here are a couple of great videos passed to me by awesome, thoughtful, feminist friends. The first one, which is a bit long, but sooo worth it, is about the danger of "the single story" in narrowing our narratives about other people and places. The other is about how changing the way that women and girls are treated in this world will help change humanity for the better.

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The 11/3 Project

If only the people that this is a satire of could get what's satirical about it, this country would be a lot better off.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

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To Infinity and Beyond

Forever ago, I wrote a little piece on the Duggar family, you know the ones with a mazillion* "J"-named children?

Well, it seems as if one of their children has now had a child.  And do you know what occurred to me, in a moment of pure, adrenaline-rush fright?  That if this family has a mazillion children, and their children do the same, the Duggars will exponentially grow in size.  EXPONENTIALLY.

It was not a good moment, sufficed to say.

*to be exact, it's 18, with the 19th on the way

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Barrel Gone Dry

About a month ago I wrote a post about how I was dealing with the house rehab and unpacking and decorating.  I talked about how I was doing all my cognitive-behavioral therapy stuff and trying to "change my language" about the situation and that it was working...

Well, since then I've had major coping skill FAIL.  I mean F-A-I-L.  Like, crying at work, screaming at the boy, giving up and hiding under the covers at 6:30pm on a Sunday, feeling (honestly and truly to my very cells) that it would NEVER get better, that it had gone on for too long and that all of the work I had done to improve living life with a mental illness was, "bam!" out the window.  It was baaaaaaad.  Like, right after my Grandma died bad.  I couldn't even go into work even though it meant not getting paid... I didn't go to U2 even though Em scored us last-minute tickets... and I honestly wasn't sure why it was all worth it.  The way that OCD makes me feel is so counter to who I really am that sometimes I just feel like I will never be able to live life how I want to... how I deserve to. And that makes me really, really sad sometimes.

So, what happened?  What made me flip my shit despite having techniques in my arsenal to avoid such a situation?  Well, for one, I have a mental illness that I can't "cure," one that I can only work with in hopes of having a functional and fulfilling life.  Treatment isn't foolproof, which can be really daunting because even if you're doing everything "right," you still get fucked over sometimes.  Out of nowhere.  In public. With everyone watching.

For two, it's been almost a year, 365 days of constant anxiety, at levels similar to how I felt on my worst days after Grandma passed... my "dark days."  That's a lot of anxiety to cope with on a regular, consistent basis.  I think that my barrel just went dry, my well was empty, my breaking point met.  I didn't have any more energy to deal with the intrusive boxes, the lack of organization, the lack of control.  I know, I know, it takes people YEARS to unpack.  Well, I am not people and I do not take years to unpack.  (There are those absolutes again...)

Finally (or for third, whichever you think has better symmetry), I had the flu.  It's true! Being sick made me a complete disaster.  It's like when I was a kid, whenever I was totally irrational or cranky or whatever, my mom would say, "Ooo I hope you're not getting sick."  And then, the next day, "poof," I was sick.  I personally think my mother is some sort of evil sorceress who would create "sickness" so that I would be quiet and asleep and weak instead of healthy and just plain annoying.  I have no proof, though, so I guess we'll just have to say she was right.

I'm clearly feeling better now, you know, with the "sharing" and the "jokes" and all.  I'm not sure how or why, but I woke up a couple of days ago feeling like a human being again, albeit one that now recognizes that there are some things I will (here I go with strong language again) not be able to compromise on, no matter how much I wish it.  Having a stable, organized, uncluttered home is one of them.  It is very clear that in order for me to be a person out there in the world, one who has enough energy to stop the need to control the uncontrollable or the intrusive thoughts about what did or didn't happen or pick your favorite OCD issue-of-the-day, I need my "safe space."  I need a place to come where, when I look around, I don't see a million things that I need to do and no clear way to start, I don't see something out of place that sparks an intrusive, repetitive thought that won't go away, I don't feel uptight and crazy and untethered to this world.  Instead, I just feel like I'm home.

Maybe one day I'll be able to be a "person" and be lax about my personal space.  Last week was proof that this is not that time.  And, in all honestly, admitting this and allowing myself to be a complete basket case helped me get over it.  As weak as it might sound to some, I honestly think that being able to say to ourselves, "this is my limit," can be a powerful, even empowering, thing.

So, what now?  Well, we are nearly unpacked, though we are waiting on some additional storage items to be shipping.  We have some painting to finish, including all the trim.  And we have some furniture to buy.  All, in all, though, it feel like the storm has broken and the pieces are falling into place.  It's starting to feel okay, though there's a nagging pressure in my chest if I think about how much we have left to do for too long...

Here's to hoping that my renewed strength can hold out until the puzzle is complete!

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How NOT to Rape Someone

Awesome piece about how to really prevent sexual assault! Via Femin-Ally.  Hat tip to Sara!

Kat reposted a nice piece about true rape prevention, which reminded me of this little list I whipped up a few months ago. As I just did a college RA training yesterday, re-reading this made me laugh. I mean seriously, the "tips" they give potential victims are so condescending. It's fun to turn the tables.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1.   Don't put drugs in people's drinks in order to control their behavior.

2.   When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3.   If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault  them!

4.   NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5.   If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON'T ASSAULT THEM!

6.   Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7.   USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8.   Always be honest with people! Don't pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don't communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9.   Don't forget: you can't have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone "on accident" you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.
     And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn't ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are committing a crime- no matter how "into it" others appear to be.

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Judging a Book By Its Cover

I honestly don't think that I need to say anything about this video. I really think that the individuals in it speak for their ignorance just fine without me chirping in. Rebutting their claims that "fascism, socialism, and communism are all the same thing" is pointless...besides, I've already tried it before. Just watch and be appalled--as the boy said, "I really hope that this represents the lowest common denominator in our country or we're in trouble."

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Thanking the Partner Stork RIGHT NOW!

These two voicemails make me soooooo thankful for the boy. Wow. People like this not only help other run-of-the-mill men look insanely awesome, but also provide hours of endless entertainment.

Via Melodymaker's Posterous:

August 17, 2009
The reason some girls stay single - very funny!

This guy is a "class" act!

READ BELOW BEFORE LISTENING

The story is this: a girl was out with friends having drinks on King St (in Toronto ). This guy approaches her and won't leave her alone -saying how cute she is. She finally gives in and hands the guy her business card to get rid of him.
The attached is an MP3 file of not one, but TWO voicemails this guy left. This goes down in the history books - especially the second voice mail.
After hearing them you can clearly see why she didn't call him back - instead she called in to the Z103.5 morning show & had them play this on the air.
Ladies: He is out there... :)

Click here to listen.

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Friday Food For Thought

I'm a big fan of Jezebel-in fact, if I had the ability to blog while doing my other full-time job, I totally would want to blog for them or Bitch Magazine--and I tend to link back to a lot of their posts on this little blog o' mine.  Today, during my afternoon brain-break, an article on the argument between the "you're fat because you aren't good enough" and the "you're fact because it's what your body was built for" weight schools-of-thought caught my attention, as I'm not only someone who grew-up with family members who struggled with their body image and struggled with my own before I actually had any weight gain to speak of (!), but also find that "fat hate" is as much a social justice issue as feminism is.  I'm also interested in the issue because I'm currently trying to get my activity level back to what I feel is best for me after several years of eating my feelings and attempting to deal with other foundational issues first.  Perhaps this means I'll lose a bit of the weight I've gained or perhaps not.  To me, it's somewhat beside the point (on most days), though as you can see from the comments featured in the article, it's certainly important to some out there what other people's weights are.

Anyhow, you should definitely read the post, regardless of where you stand on "will power," if only to hear a very strong voice speak about her struggles.  But I'll go ahead and share the paragraph that struck me the most:

If you're a regular reader of mine and you feel like you've heard everything in this post a million, billion times, you have my apologies. I am so sick of making these arguments, I cannot even tell you. Unfortunately, people can't even get it through their heads that diets don't work — despite both a mountain of scientific evidence to that effect and a friggin' "results not typical" disclaimer on every ad — let alone that it is possible to be fat and healthy, that it is equally possible to be thin and unhealthy, that correlation does not equal causation, that there is strong evidence that obesity is highly heritable, that calories in/calories out is a ludicrously simplistic equation unless you think human beings are Bunsen burners, and that, above all, fat people are human beings. Which means we can hear you. And our continued fatness is not a personal attack on you or our country or our healthcare system, but the result of complex factors science is only beginning to understand, and in very many cases, something we have already tried our damnedest to change.

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And, Just Cause Facts Are Nice To Look At

From Newsweek

The Five Biggest Lies in the Health Care Debate

By Sharon Begley | NEWSWEEK 

Published Aug 29, 2009

From the magazine issue dated Sep 7, 2009

To the credit of opponents of health-care reform, the lies and exaggerations they're spreading are not made up out of whole cloth—which makes the misinformation that much more credible. Instead, because opponents demand that everyone within earshot (or e-mail range) look, say, "at page 425 of the House bill!," the lies take on a patina of credibility. Take the claim in one chain e-mail that the government will have electronic access to everyone's bank account, implying that the Feds will rob you blind. The 1,017-page bill passed by the House Ways and Means Committee does call for electronic fund transfers—but from insurers to doctors and other providers. There is zero provision to include patients in any such system.

Five other myths that won't die:

You'll have no choice in what health benefits you receive.
The myth that a "health choices commissioner" will decide what benefits you get seems to have originated in a July 19 post at blog.flecksoflife.com, whose homepage features an image of Obama looking like Heath Ledger's Joker. In fact, the House bill sets up a health-care exchange—essentially a list of private insurers and one government plan—where people who do not have health insurance through their employer or some other source (including small businesses) can shop for a plan, much as seniors shop for a drug plan under Medicare part D. The government will indeed require that participating plans not refuse people with preexisting conditions and offer at least minimum coverage, just as it does now with employer-provided insurance plans and part D. The requirements will be floors, not ceilings, however, in that the feds will have no say in how generous private insurance can be.

No chemo for older Medicare patients.
The threat that Medicare will give cancer patients over 70 only end-of-life counseling and not chemotherapy—as a nurse at a hospital told a roomful of chemo patients, including the uncle of a NEWSWEEK reporter—has zero basis in fact. It's just a vicious form of the rationing scare. The House bill does not use the word "ration." Nor does it call for cost-effectiveness research, much less implementation—the idea that "it isn't cost-effective to give a 90-year-old a hip replacement."

The general claim that care will be rationed under health-care reform is less a lie and more of a non-disprovable projection (as is Howard Dean's assertion that health-care reform will not lead to rationing, ever). What we can say is that there is de facto rationing under the current system, by both Medicare and private insurance. No plan covers everything, but coverage decisions "are now made in opaque ways by insurance companies," says Dr. Donald Berwick of the Institute for Healthcare Improvement.

A related myth is that health-care reform will be financed through $500 billion in Medicare cuts. This refers to proposed decreases in Medicare increases. That is, spending is on track to reach $803 billion in 2019 from today's $422 billion, and that would be dialed back. Even the $560 billion in reductions (which would be spread over 10 years and come from reducing payments to private Medicare advantage plans, reducing annual increases in payments to hospitals and other providers, and improving care so seniors are not readmitted to a hospital) is misleading: the House bill also gives Medicare $340 billion more over a decade. The money would pay docs more for office visits, eliminate copays and deductibles for preventive care, and help close the "doughnut hole" in the Medicare drug benefit, explains Medicare expert Tricia Neuman of the Kaiser Family Foundation.

Illegal immigrants will get free health insurance.
The House bill doesn't give anyone free health care (though under a 1986 law illegals who can't pay do get free emergency care now, courtesy of all us premium paying customers or of hospitals that have to eat the cost). Will they be eligible for subsidies to buy health insurance? The House bill says that "individuals who are not lawfully present in the United States" will not be allowed to receive subsidies.

The claim that taxpayers will wind up subsidizing health insurance for illegal immigrants has its origins in the defeat of an amendment, offered in July by Republican Rep. Dean Heller of Nevada, to require those enrolling in a public plan or seeking subsidies to purchase private insurance to have their citizenship verified. Flecksoflife.com claimed on July 19 that "HC [health care] will be provided 2 all non US citizens, illegal or otherwise." Rep. Steve King of Iowa spread the claim in a USA Today op-ed on Aug. 20, calling the explicit prohibition on such coverage "functionally meaningless" absent mandatory citizenship checks, and it's now gone viral. Can we say that none of the estimated 11.9 million illegal immigrants will ever wangle insurance subsidies through identity fraud, pretending to be a citizen? You can't prove a negative, but experts say that Medicare—the closest thing to the proposals in the House bill—has no such problem.

Death panels will decide who lives.
On July 16 Betsy McCaughey, a former lieutenant governor of New York and darling of the right, said on Fred Thompson's radio show that "on page 425," "Congress would make it mandatory…that every five years, people in Medicare have a required counseling session that will tell them how to end their life sooner, how to decline nutrition." Sarah Palin coined "death panels" in an Aug. 7 Facebook post.

This lie springs from a provision in the House bill to have Medicare cover optional counseling on end-of-life care for any senior who requests it. This means that any patient, terminally ill or not, can request a special consultation with his or her physician about ventilators, feeding tubes, and other measures. Thus the House bill expands Medicare coverage, but without forcing anyone into end-of-life counseling.

The death-panels claim nevertheless got a new lease on life when Jim Towey, director of the White House Office of Faith-Based Initiatives under George W. Bush, claimed in an Aug. 18 Wall Street Journal op-ed that a 1997 workbook from the Department of Veterans Affairs pushes vets to "hurry up and die." In fact, the thrust of the 51-page book, which the VA pulled from circulation in 2007, is letting "loved ones" and "health care providers" "know your wishes." Readers are asked to decide what they believe, including that "life is sacred and has meaning, no matter what its quality," and that "my life should be prolonged as long as it can...using any means possible." But the workbook also asks if readers "believe there are some situations in which I would not want treatments to keep me alive." Opponents of health-care reform have selectively cited this passage as evidence the government wants to kill the old and the sick.

The government will set doctors' wages.
This, too, seems to have originated on the Flecksoflife blog on July 19. But while page 127 of the House bill says that physicians who choose to accept patients in the public insurance plan would receive 5 percent more than Medicare pays for a given service, doctors can refuse to accept such patients, and, even if they participate in a public plan, they are not salaried employees of it any more than your doctor today is an employee of, say, Aetna. "Nobody is saying we want the doctors working for the government; that's completely false," says Amitabh Chandra, professor of public policy at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government.

To be sure, there are also honest and principled objections to health-care reform. Some oppose a requirement that everyone have health insurance as an erosion of individual liberty. That's a debatable position, but an honest one. And many are simply scared out of their wits about what health-care reform will mean for them. But when fear and loathing hijack the brain, anything becomes believable—even that health-care reform is unconstitutional. To disprove that, check the commerce clause: Article I, Section 8.

With Katie Connolly, Claudia Kalb, and Ian Yarett

.

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No Country for Old Children

So, last night was President Obama's address to Congress about the health care plan.  At this event, the Obama of old seemed to finally appear before our eyes, calling out the lies and mistruths being spread by "those who have made the calculation that it's better politics to kill this plan than to improve it" and arguing that the fight for healthcare was a fight for the character of America, stating not only that "[...] large-heartedness, that concern and regard for the plight of others is not a partisan feeling. It's not a Republican or a Democratic feeling. It, too, is part of the American character" and but also that when " any government measure, no matter how carefully crafted or beneficial, is subject to scorn; when any efforts to help people in need are attacked as un-American; when facts and reason are thrown overboard and only timidity passes for wisdom, and we can no longer even engage in a civil conversation with each other over the things that truly matter -- that at that point we don't merely lose our capacity to solve big challenges. We lose something essential about ourselves."

And what happened during this speech?  That's right, exactly what you would expect from a group of immature, privileged, power-hungry Congresspersons wanting to appeal to the lowest common denominator: shouting, holding up signs, and ignoring the speech to check blackberries.  It was despicable.  Even more so that not allowing school children to be addressed by our President because of fear of "indoctrination."  Is this what we teaching our children?  That we don't even bother to listen to someone else's opinion because we don't like the person or because we assume they will say something we don't agree with?  I suppose it is when the adults teaching them are men like Joe Wilson (R- S.C.) who call the President a "liar" while in the Congressional chambers. 

What a sad state our country is in.  Two wars, rampant poverty and ignorance, many Americans unwilling to have compassion for their fellow human beings, and jeering our President when he is in official capacity in our honored legislative chamber.  Even I wouldn't do that... Heck, I didn't even shout at Condi Rice when we were both at Circuit City because her Mom was there and you don't yell at people in front of their mothers.

I guess I was just raised differently.

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This is kinda not funny, but at the same time reminds me of why I love Zachary Quintos so much... Perhaps I should give Heroes Season 3 another chance?

HOSTAGE: A Love Story with Zachary Quinto from Zachary Quinto

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Bowties=Innocent and Friendly

So, I'm all about putting things into context and understanding that a lot of people who perpetrate violence are often part of a longer cycle of violence that came before them... and I try to understand that much of the world is grey and not black and white and that if we want to help lessen the amount of violence towards women in our society, we can't just go around shouting at people.  BUT... I'm sorry, I'm going to shout this time and make strong, declarative statements:  Chris Brown, the fact that "no one taught [you] how to control [your] emotions and anger" doesn't excuse beating the absolute shit out of your girlfriend and then making the media rounds to apologize to your fan base.  And neither does wearing a friggin' bow tie and saying you don't "remember" it and it's "not who [you] are as a person."  'Cause you know what, I'm pretty sure your victim remembers it (and the other times you hit her but apparently you forgot all them about too), regardless of what you say and how many times it includes the word "sorry." 

Seriously, after all the victim-hate that went on (it's her fault, she deserved it, I'm sure she hit him first, blah blah blah blah), and the leaking of the victim's crime photos, and the lack of any jail-time, I am really pissed off.  If I had any of his records, I would get rid of them immediately.  But, I'm not so into crappy studio pop/hip hop, a.k.a., misogyny in musical form, so thankfully that's one thing I can cross of my massive to-do list.  Whew.  You know, it would be really nice if someone with this sort of public presence could admit that they are responsible for what happened and not pull the "what? I'm young, oops/it's not like me, most of the time/I'll never do it again since I finally got caught" crap.  The amount of change that he could affect by acknowledging what domestic violence is, how easily men in our society perpetrate it, and how damaging it is to the victim would mean a hell of a lot more to me than a nice-looking, albeit repentant, young man in a sharp tie giving a moving interview.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/31/chris.brown.interview/index.html

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Think You're an American? Drop Trou to Prove It!

So the "birthers" are, according to Jezebel, now wanting to see the President's penis in order to prove he was born in America. Cause, apparently whether or not he is circumcised proves he's an American, obviously... Um, yeah, there are honestly no words. Well, I did have a really inappropriate pun for the post's title to make fun of their cognitive dissonance when accusing Obama of being a Muslim (who are often circumcised), a Nazi, a "wild" uncircumcised African, a communist, and the Antichrist all at the same time, but it's a bit dirty and crass... read the rest if you want see it. Either way the "birthers" are still clearly operating in a totally different reality from mine... How do their brain's not explode with all the crap they put in there to justify their blatant race-mongering? Okay, are you ready for my delicious pun1? Here you go:

Cock-nitive Dissonance!

Get it?!?! eh, eh?!? It's good,right?!

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The Chronicles of Higher Education

Well, loyal readers, I have an announcement to make: I am rebooting my long-term life goals starting NOW! Actually, I've been slowing building inertia by doing some tiny bits of research and setting up meetings with old professors, but it's way more fun to make an exciting declarative statement, no? Anyhoo... What, you might be asking yourself, is this long-term life goal? Well, it's to become Elizabeth, Ph.D., Dr. Lizzy, Professor Betsy. That's right, to go BACK TO SCHOOL!!! Woooooooo!

Well, to be honest it's more than to "just" go back to school... ...it's to finally take the next step in doing the work I've always dreamed of doing, to help the public better understand our history and our society in order to better make informed decisions in our own lives. I currently work in museum exhibitions, which obviously meets this long-term goal, but although I've been able to research and write and comment on curatorial matters (even curated one traveling exhibition), I'm not a "curator." I'm not the lead intellectual voice. I'm not overseeing the development of a collection and working to make sure that it has the best artifacts, the most interesting materials, the best research to tell the most interesting (at least, to me) stories. In order to do this or to develop documentaries or write academic books or teach at a university, I need to go back and get my Ph.D. and further my training. I need to become a professional historian so that I can spend my time analyzing popular culture in a respected public forum, instead of doing it for shits and giggles, like I do now.

Now, this isn't a spur-of-the-moment sort of a thing... If you know me personally, you probably already know that I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't think I was going to go get my Ph.D. I've been saying it for years and years... but, I'm honestly really glad that I took the time to get my masters and work for a while, to be a professional figuring out what I'm good at, what skills I need to work on, what my passions truly are. When I applied to grad programs during college I had no idea what I was doing, I had no clue that I clearly had a common thread in all of my papers, and how to find the best place for those interests. I also certainly didn't know how to articulate what I wanted because I'd never had to do what I didn't like, out here, in the "real world." I'm an adult now and I make adult decisions, for myself and for others. I think the path I've taken is going to make me a stronger candidate and a better historian when all is said and done, so I'm happy with the path that I've made, even the choices made out of pure worry...

However, after thinking long and hard about the fact that I'm not really ready to face rejection and that, in the past, I've tended to go at things out of anxiety instead of out of resolve, I'm taking it really slow. I'm meeting with old professors, I'm researching schools, I'm retaking my GRE, I'm updating an old paper with some new research for my writing sample, I'm going to catch up on readings in the field and try to find out who I really want to work with and hopefully start a dialogue with them... and I'm going to give myself until next year's deadline to do this instead of this January. Sure, that means I wouldn't be starting this a program until Fall 2011, but it also means that I will be able to absorb and live everything I'm doing in order to be the strongest candidate I possibly can be. And that I'm making the best informed decision that anyone can make in a situation with so many unknowns. Sure, I can get applications in on time, but will they be reflective of what I want in life or will they be artifacts of my fretful need to get it done? I mean, I still have to decide if staying in DC is what I want, if working where I am is practical (much less the right thing for me), if I want to do a history program or a cinema studies program or an American studies program, or if I'm willing to go to the best programs for me even if they are in California or Texas or Michigan... I'm not going to lose all of the really hard work I've done to get healthy and to be an active participant in my own life just because I'm super excited for something to start. That's the old Elizabeth and, while I've lived a happy life in general, I haven't always lived a full one.

For once, when making a life-changing decision, I honestly think it's okay to be a bit cautious. Although, it seems I've always known what I wanted to be when I grew up, it just took me a little while to figure out who I wanted to be while doing it. I know myself well enough now to know the difference between feeling the need to get moving because of excitement versus taking action because of my mental illness. If I'm going to make it through 6 or 7 years of really difficult emotional, political, and intellectual work, only to spend the next 5 years shuffled from 1-year academic appointment to 1-year academic appointment, I'd better have damn well made sure it was worth it! 'Cause I think I've finally grown up enough to know that I'm worth getting what I want.

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Ah, American Ingenuity: Where Would We Be Without Ye?!

I have NEVER wished I could figure out the damn screen capture for mac so much in my life as when Alli-gator sent me this add for DOG SNUGGIES! What?!?!?

Please, for the sake of your own eternal happiness, click on this link!

UPDATED:
I snagged the picture for your enjoyment!

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Changing Your Language

This is a photo of my lovely home in LeDroit Park. It's quite cute, no? Little round window, quaint Victorian style, yellow. I mean, who doesn't want a yellow house?

But... for a while now, it's been a thorn in my side. A still not finished, unpacked, or Elizabeth-fied thorn. I know, I know, I should just shut up: I'm 28 and I own a house in DC, which was a great deal in my perfect neighborhood. I'm privileged enough enough to even be able to have a home, owned or rented or whatever. I get it--but try telling my OCD that. It's been screaming at me because things aren't organized, there are boxes on top of the dining room table instead of place settings, and I have no idea where my cameras have gone... My OCD brain has been saying over and over again that this is my worst nightmare, absolute chaos, supposed to be different!!! Gah!!! it says, loudly, all the time.

So...I've been anxious, naggy (the boy has done most of the repairs cause he's awesomely spatial like that), and on constant cognitive thinking overdrive. I mean, I've handled this better than I expected. I haven't set anything on fire or thrown unpacked dishes out in the trash just to get rid of them, for example. So when I went to therapy this weekend, anxious but feeling pretty okay with myself, and my therapist subsequently challenged me, I was not a happy camper:

Me: I mean, of course the house is still bothering me! It should have been done by now!

Her: Should? Hmm, well there aren't really any absolute time-tables. Things take as long as they take. It hasn't even been a year--some people take five!

Me (crossing my arms in defiance): Well, that's great for them... I personally can't live in chaos.

Her: Chaos? That's a strong word. I mean, it hasn't actually been chaos... You're functioning and going to work and living.

Me (getting more defensive): Well, it feels like chaos. It's been my worst nightmare.

Her: Oh my. I think I'm really going to have to challenge you on that. I'm sure you can imagine worse things, hell, even worse things related to the house.

Me (brain loudly whirring-ooo, I got her now!): Well, that might be true... But its certainly been my worst OCD nightmare!

Her (staring at me because we both know she's right): You are really using absolute language--no wonder it feels so large and unmanageable... The truth is THE HOUSE ISN'T HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE. No right or wrong or good or bad just not how you want it.

Me (feeling small and selfish and silly...): um, er, well that's true, I suppose... I mean, it's not NOT true.

Her (laughing): You know, you really have to use different words if you want your brain to think and respond differently... Try not to use the absolutes and see what happens, okay?

And you know what?! It's helping, the tiniest smidge... I mean, changing your entrenched brain patterns takes time, but it has worked to help ease a bit of the panic when the hair in the bathroom makes me worry about the baseboards and that makes me think about the window trim and then the light fixtures and then the cabinets and then... well, you get the idea. Cause if I just don't like it as opposed to it being a WARZONE, that's a lovely thought, no? I mean, I know that changing your thinking helps, I've been doing cognitive-behavioural therapy for eight years now and no longer re-collate my papers anymore or throw out books with wobbly underline... I guess the house is just my last anxiety holdout.

I know I'll always have good and bad days (I have OCD for Christ's sake, acceptance of this is kinda essential to long-term healing), but... maybe with a little rewriting, this'll all be okay...

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DC isn't the coolest city...

...but it's also not as lame as every single internet personality from NY (or at least Gawker) makes it out to be. Every now and then this subject gets in my craw and I google it and get angrier and angrier and angrier. I'm usually drunk when I do and also looking up ex-roommates to see how lame they are now (you know, to mask my own insecurities... sigh...but that's all beside the point!) Anyhow, take a look at the below posts, which aren't even about just how much cooler NY is than DC (which, duh, can you even compare the geographic area, the population density, the voting rights disparities?!), but also just about how uncool DC is. BTW, I think NY is awesome. I might even move there at some point in my life--who knows?! I try not to define myself by where I live, but by what I do while living there. Apparently, however, for a certain populace of NY this is not the case, and dissing the District is the "cool" thing to do now...

I'm not going to get into why I think DC is awesome (which I do), but I will say that if you notice, nearly EVERY single criticism of DC is about the transient, over-educated, white population of the city, that I also loathe... Comments like this really get my goat:

I used to live there... 90% of the DC population sucks ass. The only micro-sub-groups that are any fun are (1) self-loathing journalists and (2) World Bankers. Both cliques can drink the average Washingtonian under the table, but with the second category, you get bottle service.

I'm confused--you only like the over-educated yuppies, but hate the other 90%, which are who? How is it that so many of these comments are about how awful Georgetown is and how there's no music scene (read: indie, read: white), when %50 of DC's population is persons of color who are disproportionately poor? Did these people ever leave Metro Center? Did they ever actually talk to someone who grew up in the District, not the metro area?! These types of posts and comments are about "Washington," not the "District," you know what I mean? A lot of DC residents HATE this shit, too. Or else don't have access and time to waste on the stupid internets in the first place...they are too busy with tasty half-smokes, block parties, political activism (both good and of the Barry variety), jazz, and Go Go.

Anyhow, I'm tipsy and this is annoying me right now, for whatever reason. However, I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep instead of continuing this useless rant...

Here are the posts, if you are interested...

http://gawker.com/284166/does-boston-actually-suck-more-than-dc
http://gawker.com/5153483/cheer-up-dc-will-never-be-cool
http://gawker.com/news/d%27c%27-sucks/why-we-avoid-dc-at-all-costs-283829.php

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Happy Tuesday

I was home sick last week and was miserable except for the Golden Girl marathons on Hallmark in the morning--I know, what a lame-O life I lead :). Here's a hilarious video of those sexy ladies dancing, remixed.



Thanks to: http://www.urlesque.com/2009/08/04/stuff-betty-white-people-like/

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Which Clinton?!

Is it totally telling of my feminist leanings that my first thought when I saw this post on CNN about an attempt to free the jailed Current TV journalists, was "They sent which Clinton? Why him and not the Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton?! Seriously, had to send the husband to take care of the big, bad hard job. Sigh"

Now, to be fair to everyone, I read further down and it was made clear to me that this was a private attempt to free the journalists and that boy Clinton was not acting as a government official, as girl Clinton would have been... So, I chilled my jets. A little...

Still, I can't help having a bit of a gut reaction, considering the power dynamic between men and women in general and Bill and Hillary in particular. You know what I mean?

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