Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Horn Whore

Drivers in DC are way too horn happy. I'm not pyschic. When it turns green I'll go and not a second sooner. Stop. Seriously.

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Thursday, June 23, 2005

High School Drama

So, that last post's a little sad and emotional for this blog. Usually I just complain about everything. It sounds like something in a real journal. I should probably stick to complaining about tourists. Grandma wouldn't want me being all schmaltzy anyway. Not her way.

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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Fate?

So, David and I officially tied the knot after seven years together and five years of living in "sin". There are a lot of reasons that everything culminated in this... I most often I tell people that it's because I want next-of-kin rights and health benefits. But in all honesty, it's probably because I've been so socially programmed into thinking weddings and marriage and the word "husband" has some sort of magical meaning to it I don't know any better. And you know what? When I say "husband," I get little butterflies, be damned our heterosexist society! Can't a girl just want to say "husband" and wear a ring without it always being for or against a cause? In the end, what does it matter? My politics? My views of gender? Whether or not David and I signed a piece of paper?

Maybe I'm being really sentimental with all of this, but you'll have to forgive me because my dear dear grandmother Ruth passed away suddenly a week before my wedding.

I grew up with my Grandma, knowing her little habits and her knowing mine. I know that I am lucky to have that sort of a relationship with a grandparent--David barely knows either of his grandmothers and I spent almost every weekend with mine growing up. My heart is absolutely broken, for myself, for my father, and most of all for my Grandpa, who loved that woman for over 60 years and is having the damnest time without her. Every little part of his day was affected by her very presence--when he got up, when he ate, where he went, when he slept, who he spoke with, what he wore. Things you never think about, habits you take for granted... who's going to bring you extra toilet paper in your time of need? Who's going to make sure you don't smell bad when in public? Who's going to watch TV with you? Who's going to know where all of the phone numbers are?

The worst part of the experience is the double guilt I feel because I was with my Grandma when she died. I had spent the most wonderful day with her, shopping, talking, eating a really good orange... And then she grabbed her chest and struggled for breath. We never even made it to the car. I am guilty because maybe, just maybe, I could have stopped it. I feel responsible because I was there. But I also feel guilt at being there because I know I am lucky. I know my family would trade anything to have been there, in those last moments, on that last day, spending time with my Grandma.

I wore her pearls on my wedding day, but it wasn't the same.

Although I try not to be a superstitious person, I have to admit that I believe in fate. Things work out for the best. Had David and I not been getting married, I would never have been home. If not for our wedding, I wouldn't have had my last day with my grandmother. I wouldn't have been there to make sure Grandpa didn't have another heart attack. I wouldn't have been so lucky as to be with my Grandma during her last moments on earth. In the end, that's what matters. That's what makes my wedding special. I got to tell her, on that last day, that I love her. I wouldn't trade anything for that.

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