Someone might see...

There are certain essentials that I always carry with me, no matter where I'm going. Even on days I'm not carrying my gym bag, I always have a purse big enough to carry a water bottle, my iPod, and a book. Yes, I always have a book. I'm a geek.

Well, the other day when I was packing up my bag, I couldn't decide what book to bring. I was reading two books at the time: Augusten Burroughs's Running with Scissors and (whew, this is hard to write...) Kathy Tyer's Star Wars: The Truce at Bakura. Even though I really wanted to continue the Star Wars book, which is set immediately after Return of the Jedi, I honestly thought this thought, "But I can't read a Star Wars book in public... What will people think?" So I packed Running with Scissors, which has the literary/hipster seal of approval. Plus it is a good book...

I was recounting this to a friend, because I was so embarrassed that I would think something so silly... I, in general, don't care what people think about me. I listen to what music I want to listen to, I dress how I want to dress, I drink what I want to drink... but there is a part in ALL of us (I don't care what you say) that makes those statements, the "someone might see" statements... In addition to this moment of weakness, I have also thought to myself that I don't want my iPod to be shuffling through my workout mix when I'm out and about because I don't want to die with Britney Spears playing... It's insane, so not how I really am about stuff... but there it is. I admit it. I care, even just a little bit, about what people think.

Well, when I was talking to my friend, I realized that I'm not the only person who does this. In fact, I realized that most people probably adjust their material expressions based on how others will respond. I also realized that the most retarded thing about it is that people end up impressing people who already agree with them!

How can I explain this? Let's see... Okay, for example, let's say you wear a certain brand of shoe in order to be seen as a certain type of person. The person that recognizes and validates the symbolism of that shoe you are wearing has to also inherently recognize the subjective value of the shoe. He has to think the shoe is already cool in order for you to be validated in the coolness of the shoe socially.

Let me put it another way: If I get on the train and I'm reading a copy of McSweeney's instead of the Star Wars book I really want to be reading, I am only capable of impressing other Metro riders who recognize the same social value of McSweeney's that I recognize. Metro riders who have no idea what it is don't care. Only other people placing the same symbolic value on my reading recognize the value of McSweeney's or would care enough to judge the value placed on a Star Wars book. Whether it be a yuppie with a Louis Vitton bag or a hipster with an Irvine Welsh book, it's essentially preaching to the same self-obsessed, image-conscious choir.

In the end, it's people trying for other people who care enough to try too. It seems so silly, when you think about it that way.

Of course, this is a harsh generalization. I know a lot of people read McSweeney's because it's frickin' hilarious and people who buy Louis Vitton because of the amazing craftmanship... I consider myself the type of person who wears what I want because I like it... But, come on and just admit it people! We all care what other people think, no matter how much we say we are above the fray, how alternative, how independent thinking, how unmaterialistic, how self-assured we are... No one lives in a social vacuum. Even if the only people we care about caring are the five other people who know the name of the obscure band we are seeing at a show at a club that opened for business only two days ago. Stop pretending! Embrace it! You care too!

And I guess I can give myself some slack for being embarrassed about Star Wars. I think it's fair to say that EVERYONE on that train would have been silently judging me for reading a Star Wars book. That's not just uncool... That's pretty geeky.

If you only knew...