Friday Fun-tavist Post!

Idiot's Guide to Biblical Definitions of Marriage... So, this is what people are trying to keep away from teh geys. Whew! Perhaps our LGBT friends out there are actually dodging an incestuous, confusing, non-monogamous bullet after all! Good to know...



From this high-larious site: http://www.bettybowers.com/

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Um, what!?

I honestly don't have the time or patience to give this post any satirical or analytical context.  Hell, I can't even garner enough to give it a bit of snark...  One day, when I finally update my thesis on white racialists in popular culture, maybe I'll give it a go... but right now, I'll just say, WTF?!  Crazy Lady!!!!  SOOOOOOOOOOO TOTALLY WRONG! 

Sigh.

Here's Debbie Schlussel's internet trollumnist take on the tragedy yesterday at the US Holocaust Museum:

It is because of Muslims—who are the biggest contributor to the worldwide rise in anti-Semitism to Holocaust-eve levels—that neo-Nazis feel comfortable—far more comfortable!—manifesting their views about Jews. Until 9/11 and our resulting new tolerance for Islam, the neo-Nazi types were marginalized and howling at the wind. We know who has been targeting Jewish museums and centers affiliated with Jews in recent years. And it hasn't been, in general, 89-year-old White guys.

Mr. Von Brunn has been on this planet for 89 years, and he didn't feel comfortable shooting up a Holocaust museum until now—this new era of "tolerance," in which we must tolerate the most extremist Muslim behaviors and sentiments. It's, in general, not 89-year-old White guys telling people at churches worldwide and in religious schools that the Jews are the devil incarnate, a filthy tribe, the sons of pigs and monkeys, subhuman, etc.

No, it's guys with names like Mohammed and Ahmed on our own American streets who make Mr. Von Brunn far more at ease in 2009 than he was even in 1999 to attack places associated with the Jews. They created the comfort zone for James W. Brunn to engage in today's shooting.

Moreover, not only do White supremacists and neo-Nazis work with Muslims in many, many documented cases and investigations. But they are basically one and the same. The only difference is that one guy is named James and the other guy is named Ahmed. And the former only has a few thousand discredited, marginalized compatriots.

Whereas the latter has over a billion followers and a U.S. President kissing their collective ass.

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Change Begins at Home?

"I am offering a vision for my country,” Ibrahim said. “I am telling my people that they are worth fighting for."

One of my old University of Missouri history professors, Professor Abdullahi Ali Ibrahim (who, btw, I really enjoyed and thought had a great spirit), is retiring this year. However, instead of enjoying leisure time, he is returning to his native Sudan to run for President. A life-long activist, Ibrahim hopes to help bring peace to the country... I wish him all the luck that I have to spare, and more, as it doesn't look like anything fair will be happening in Sudan anytime soon... Though, Ibrahim thinks I'm wrong, and I sincerely hope he's right:

To Ibrahim, Johnson is simply another negative thinker who is writing off Sudan’s ability to hold legitimate elections based on past precedents.

“This is the same apathy I see in Sudan – that nothing is going to happen,” he said. "The election that brought Bashir last time – this was not an election. This was completely controlled by the government. This was a one-man show."

This time, Ibrahim is sure things will be different. Because the Naivasha Agreement was an internationally brokered peace deal, he expects that the involvement of foreign governments will ensure that the 2010 election will be run fairly and provide a new direction for the country's ailing political system.

"The election is going to be the way to establish democracy and to see to the implementation of these nation-forming charters [of the Naivasha Agreement]," he said. “If (the National Congress Party) would rig it, we would fight it.”

Here's a quick video:

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Ah, Green Space! How I Heart Thee!

Common Good City Farms was featured on MSN Nightly News last night! Yay urban farms! Especially one literally a block away from me and part of a soon-to-be built park complex where an unused elementary school currently sits. Here is the drawing for the future park on the end of our block, which clearly promises to be awesome for sitting outside, playing with the visiting nephew, and attempting frisbee. The boy and I are super excited-- we never imagined that we'd buy a house on what we lovingly call "the 3rd worst block of LeDroit Park"* and end up with massive green space down the street!

Here's the vid:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

*It's actually not a "bad block" at all. Sure, we have the po-lice swing by sometimes 'cause of something or the other and some houses have part-taaays (!) till late at night, but I'm a hillbilly and certainly no snob. I personally think that my neighbors have all been really friendly and we love it here--diversity is important to me, class, ethnicity, sexual orientation, perspectives, all of it. We just came up with the joking self-deprecation 'cause a lot of people in DC think that LeDroit Park is a war-zone or something. Which I'm okay with, 'cause then they don't come here... :)

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Again, Irony or Obliviousness ?

So, my post earlier today in which a far-right idiot said something that illustrated either irony or obliviousness, I couldn't tell.  Either way, it was a dumbass thing to say.

Here's so more dumbassery, courtesy of people (via Jezebel's mockery) who are sad that they no longer have a clear enemy to hate since HE WAS MURDERED!!!!!

Says Scott  Roeder, who assassinated Dr. Tiller a couple of weeks ago, all for helping women who had nowhere else to go:

Roeder said it was freezing in his cell. "I started having a bad cough. I thought I was going to have pneumonia," he said.

He said he called AP because he wanted to emphasize the conditions in the jail so that in the future suspects would not have to endure the same conditions.

Roeder also said he wanted the public to know he has been denied phone privileges for the past two days, and needed his sleep apnea machine.

Um, hi.  You killed someone, yes? Like, on purpose, right? Okay, good, just wanted to make sure we were straight.

Also, anti-abortion leaders seem upset that the clinics might not close because they're right, but because someone (already out of the womb, natch) was killed:

Dr. Tiller's clinic was the one - the big one - Mr. Newman had always hoped to close. Still, he said, if it closed now it would be no victory for Operation Rescue. "Good God, do not close this abortion clinic for this reason," he said.

Sure, he ended it with,  "Every kook in the world will get some notion." ... Which, I admit, is a laudable thing to say.  But still, the intention is, they'll get a notion and then kill all the doctors and then whatever will I fight against?!

Blah.

For how the "other side" has reacted to this tragedy, check this moving site out: http://iamdrtiller.com/

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I can't post this video because it's way too... too

So, this video of Israeli-Americans and their opinions of Obama is extremely upsetting and, sadly, not so shocking.  I especially love the kid that shouts "White Power"--um, buddy, the "White Power" guys would cut you if they had an opportunity.  Is this ironic or just oblivious?  I'm never sure of that definition...

Anyhow, I know that for a lot of a people the Israel/Arab conversation is a hot-button issue, and rightly so, for both sides.  Any time where people are suffering and dying and committing acts of violence towards others is obviously not a good thing.  Neither side, in my opinion, has clean hands.*  But, the vitriol and sense of entitlement shown in these young people is inexcusable and certainly doesn't give me much faith in the situation finding a peaceful, reasonable solution that values the human rights of all people.**

http://gawker.com/5279556/some-young-jews-are-not-fans-of-obama

*And, before you post a reactive comment, no, I'm not anti-Israel and pro-Palestinian.  I'm not anti-Semitic or a secret Muslim-hater (or lover) because I think both sides have valid points and both sides have committed unreasonable acts of violence.  I'm not for or against any one side, other than that of all humans and the protection of everyone's basic rights to live in a safe area and have access to nutritious food, clean water, and housing. 

**Also, I know that's a bit reactive, but I was upset by the video. Just like I know, from personal experience, that the racist, idiot words of the idiot rednecks don't represent the values of ALL Southerners, I get that there are a lot of Israelis and Jews that find what these dumbasses said abhorrent...

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Four Years Since It All Changed

Well, this week has turned out to be harder than I anticipated. I had been doing really well anxiety-wise, so I must say that I'm a bit blown by how raw I've been leading up to today... How horrible having the flashbacks and dreams is and how much I still blame myself for what happened... On the one hand, I guess this is good, that I'm not used to feeling this awful anymore. On the other hand, I can't believe the last three years were spent feeling this way. What happened to my life? What happened to me? How in the hell did I get out of that mess?

Four years ago today, my life changed forever. It's the day that became my before and after, my personal B.C. and A.D. time marker. Four years ago today, I flew home to Arkansas for my wedding, went and spent the day with my grandparents, like I always did, and then watched, helplessly, as my Grandma died suddenly in front of me.

At the time, I put on a grateful face for my family--"Oh, I'm so lucky I got to say goodbye. It was meant to be that I was there. I got to tell her that I loved her one last time." That was a total lie, told to make them feel better so they wouldn't worry about me. In fact, I felt like absolute shit--if I hadn't gone there that day, if I hadn't let her take me shopping, if I had been faster at calling 911, or done CPR correctly, or SOMETHING, it wouldn't have happened. She would have had her CAT-scan the next day, the doctors would have found what was wrong and, poof! an alive and healthy Grandma!

I've spent most of the last four years "living" because that's what I was supposed to do... I went ahead with my wedding even though I still have a hard time separating the happiness of that anniversary with the awfulness of the days before it. I went into work (sometimes, when I wasn't sleeping or crying or hungover or angry or just plain sick) and went to interviews for better jobs, including the one I have now and love. I called friends back and hung out, which was always fun, but I dreaded because it meant being out in the world. I told everyone that it hurt, but that I would be okay. That it would just make me stronger. Really, I didn't believe any of it and I did most of my "living" out of guilt or fear of failure or embarrassment. I really just wanted to lie in bed, watch the tv, and eat my sadness. Which I sorta did. And when I wasn't doing that, I was on autopilot or navigating a raging sea of anxiety and flashbacks and panic attacks and anger and guilt and sadness... I was exhausted from pretending to be a person... I would have given ANYTHING to trade that day with someone--if they thought it was so great to have been there, they could fucking have it--I was there and I didn't want it anymore, not one single second of it.

About a year and a half ago, after moving into a new apartment, finding a job that I really love doing, and continuing to fake living, something happened. I actually started really living. I found a new therapist. I started going to acupuncture. I began not only enjoying spending time with my friends but also seeking it out. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them, as they stuck by me until one day I dreaded being in the world a lot less than I had before... I began grieving my grandma and missing her, not just thinking about how she went away. I was able to separate the two--how she died is one thing, but the fact that I don't have her around anymore is another. I began being able to miss her for her, which was so freeing to me. To cry because I was at the store and saw some socks that she'd love (she was a big sock person) and not because I'd heard an ambulance and had a panic attack.

So what now? What happened? Did enough time go by that the wound just healed? No, I can honestly say that, clearly, it's still there. If I think about that day and what she looked like as she passed and how scared I was and how responsible I felt and still feel, it's clear to me that my soul is still in a lot of pain. But... I'm not as mad at myself about it anymore. Last year this time, my therapist said to me something along the lines of, "I know that it's hard and it's horrible that you went through that, but you need to learn how to deal with it. Because it could happen again. Right now, the next time you are with someone you love, it could happen all over again. And you need to be able to still live." I was so mad, for weeks, after she said that to me. And then it hit me... it's true. I have to learn how to deal with this because I couldn't control it then and I can't control it now. The boy could die on his way to work tomorrow and I have to deal with that. I absolutely cannot continue to define myself by that one hour of my life, that one moment of perceived failure... I have to define myself for the many moments that happened after, the strength that I didn't even know that I had and the fact that, for the first time in a long time, I honestly didn't remember how much it hurt to feel this way...

My acupuncturist asked me a couple of days ago, when I went in all squidgy and distraught, if I would trade places with any of my family. Privately, I've often told myself that I would, especially when one of them would say how jealous they were that I got to be there. But, my old, public answer was always "no", at least in regards to the other grandchildren, my twin and my cousin, because of a couple of reasons. One, I didn't want to seem like a shit. Two, I honestly think I was the best choice at the time. See, the thing is, I'm often horrible with my own problems, but with other people's, I get some sort of super cool, take-control power. For all the guilt that I feel, I know that I made sure that only one grandparent died that day when I forced my upset grandfather to take his heart medicine when I saw him have symptoms... I honestly don't think that my cousin, who has continued to struggle in his life with depression and addiction, would have had the clarity of mind to focus on the mission at hand--get Grandma to medical attention and make sure we keep Grandpa alive. My sister probably could have handled the 911 and all that, but she didn't realize that my Grandpa needed to take nitroglycerin for his heart and wouldn't have known to say anything. I happened to know, so I thought of it in the middle of another crisis. Am I a superhero or special? No. But did I do at least one thing right that day? Yes.

However, that's my old answer. On Friday, for the first time, I started to say what I always said and then paused... and eventually answered the same thing, but for a totally different reason. When she asked me, "would you trade," instead of saying no but meaning yes, I said, "Yes, if it would mean the same outcome and Grandpa didn't go too." And then, I thought for another second and said, "No. I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade because I wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way that I've felt for the last four years... I would never want my sister or cousin or mom or dad or aunt to feel this horrible, for any reason. So, no. It's something that happened to me because it did and that's just the way that it is."

So, it seems that my body (or soul) still has scars and somehow remembers when that awful day happened... It likes to remind me through dreams and crying and nausea and panic and anger. And that's okay. Because I'm sure I'll never forget what happened that day and I shouldn't. But, I can honestly say that I can live with it.

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