Living Versus Enjoying

While one might argue that my recent exhibition for work* is an expression of my inner Harry Potter fan, I tend to look at it only as a career opportunity, albeit a fun one. I prefer to keep my fangirl love to myself and close friends and snarky blogs. I enjoy it...I don't LIVE it. I don't make costumes, or write fanfiction, or listen to podcasts, or go to cons.

Until now.

As part of the outreach push of the exhibition, I went to my very first "con" this weekend, for Harry Potter, obviously. I spent most of the time working--telling everyone and their fellow wizards about the project in hopes that they would go to the website or tell their friends to visit it when it travels to a local library near them. The rest of the time, I admit I was a bit, well... flustered. I was surrounded by people who LIVED their love. They wanted to share their passion with others through music, role-play, fic readings, costumes and balls, and scholarly-style sessions. It was equal shares embarrassing, inspiring, silly and fun. A part of me wishes that I was the sort of person who could immerse myself like they did, so fully in something they love even if mainstream society thinks it's trivial. Another part of me tried very hard to clearly demarcate myself from the attendees. I was there as a scholar and a professional, sharing my project with a vested audience--I wasn't of the audience. Finally, I was jealous of the younger people at the conference, who seemed a bit more like "funky" or "regular" kids (with social skills!) than their older counterparts did, many of whom were, let's face it, nerdy. This younger generation grew up, literally, with Harry. He was a common cultural touchstone for them and was nothing to be ashamed of. Kinda like Star Wars for my generation, except gender-inclusive with more than just a braless Princess for girls to relate to. For many of the older attendees, Harry Potter was something we either allowed into our lives as an engrossing read we constantly had to explain to our peers or we instantly embraced because it was similar to our other fandoms, such as D&D or Buffy or Ren Faires or Mercedes Lackey, etc. Let's face it, loving Harry Potter ten years ago as a 35-year-old isn't the same as growing up reading Harry... and now playing lead guitar in a Wizard Rock (Wrock) band at shows attended by everyone from football jocks to science nerds.

So, why did I feel this way? Why did I feel like such a... a... a SNOB?!? Is it because when I was an adolescent teen, I was a fangirl who was ostracized by most of my peers? Is this the same feeling I experience 15-years-ago that beat out of me all displays of geek love so that I could better socially integrate...even convincing me to get rid of all evidence of my interests, from my Star Trek micro-machines, to my Death of Superman comics, to my Star Wars books, to my X-Men trading cards? (Ah, still soooo sad about not having any of these anymore!). I want to know because I certainly don't want to look down on people who are expressing themselves, just like I hated how that made me feel back when I was growing up. Today, I take pride in my nerdfests, in my knowledge of Trek, Lucasfilm, and Harry Potter; it's one of my defining characteristics. Or, at least until this con, I thought that it was. Am I really just a fair-weather fan? A half-hearted lover of geek? Am I still unable to truly be myself?

Or...were these people just not my people, even though we had common interests? Was this event simply not the way that I best express my inner fan? Is it okay to totally applaud people who are fanboys and fangirls, but to not feel comfortable being "out" as one with conferences, costumes, and fanfic communities? Perhaps my continued desire for a career with an academic interpretation of popular culture is the way that I personally feel free expressing my passion for tv, comics, media, and film... Perhaps instead of making a costume, I write papers and do research? Not quite as fun to wear, but there you have it...

Regardless, I have to say that I am very glad that I went and not just because of the warm embrace everyone had for my project. I met some AMAZING people, who were open and friendly and fun. I was allowed to witness** the oft-times intricate and creative ways that people express themselves and live their inspirations. I'm not sure if I'm one of them, but I'm certainly glad they allowed me to pretend, if only for a weekend.***


*I haven't given specifics, and won't either, on this public site. Though this post is a bit of a cross, I prefer to keep this blog anonymous as possible for professional purposes. You know, with big brother watching and all :)
**I'm not posting any pictures, 'cause I don't want to objectify these people... Google Harry Potter + conference and you'll get a good idea...
***Check out Lev Grossman's blog for TIME on this subject--he was there too.